Healer - Claudia Leandra König

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Impulse 02: The Changing Face of Communication

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There is neither a good nor a bad method of communication but only one that works, with which we handle our topics. Communication can only be fulfilling on all levels, when the individual knows himself, his attitude and the effects of which onto others. This is a prerequisite of creating a solid basis in order to be understood correctly by others and in order to ultimately achieve what the individual wants. As man is bound to communication within every system of society, without which he cannot exist in the long run, it is wise to take a look at the mostly invisible and automated processes, which control any form of entertainment even before we notice it. And as long as we neither know nor master the technology of telepathy (of mind-reading), we depend on mouth aerobic. For this reason I picked some hot spots, which support a communication in a friendly way and on the basis of mutual acceptance, benevolence and appreciation.

1. Responsibility

Accepting responsibility in communication means to accept responsibility for our own  communicative actions and non-actions. Moreover it means to turn words into actions and to bear in mind that as long as there is not truth everywhere, the forming of opinion, too, limps. For without further information we cannot form a clear view. What will be new, now,  is that ethical and moral values are embedded into communication on a large scale with a relaxed and life affirming understanding.

It is the sender's responsibility whether the receiver has understood the message. It is the one giving a message. He is responsible for the receiver to understand the message with regards to contents, not only from the linguistical point of view, for the more expert we are the more negligent our explanations become, so that it is possible that it might not mean anything to an ordinary person. It is wise to ask the receiver what he has understood in order to avoid misunderstandings.

Sender       ---------->       Receiver (???)

  • turn to the receiver and catch his eyes

  • use a language and a wording that he understands

  • pay heed to the correct address information (if by email / by mail)

  • describe thoroughly what you want to say


2. Levels of Communication
The classification of levels we have had so far will more and more blur and eventually disappear, as they are evaluative. They often end depreciating the loyal sender and fawning over “actors”. Only about 10 % of what you say (=the contents) gets through to the receiver, but about 40 % of how you speak (=your language) attracts attention, however, about 50 % of what can be seen about you (=your body language) is decisive as to how you are perceived by others. This means that the focus has not been on the contents but on the marketing of one's own personality. In order to neutralize you could have said so far: If all of us were blind and the sender spoke through a distorting microphone, we would act much more impartial and we would not judge people as to their looks, clothing, voice, skin colour, origin or gender. What is new is that people more and more look behind the mask and find out about the true intentions of a sender and demand honesty. And it is a matter of importance whether that which you say is in harmony with your body language and does not express something to the contrary.  This means that when you literally say “yes”, but your body shows a position that reveals “no”, then something is fishy.

3. Harmony in Communication  

Harmony, appreciation and trust are created, when the person you are talking with is met where he is and both adapt to each other. This adaptation can take place by imitating posture, gesture and facial expression, by using the same pace of speech, by sharing the same opinion (if this is true) and so on. When an adaptation has taken place, the quintessence of the matter can be tackled by actively participating in the conversation. Furthermore it is beneficial when everybody is sitting or everybody is standing, when an oval table is used instead of an angular one, when the partners are sitting diagonally and not face to face with each other and when you offer your partner a cup of a hot drink and a chair with a soft seat.

4. Feedback  

Feedback is the answer to a message and it is only useful when the receiver can learn something from it. Furthermore, feedback is always something personal and individual. The prerequisite for this is that the hearer listens to everything without judgment and puts himself into the other's position. The following Sandwich-technique is useful to express appreciation and to criticize politely:
Praise: I liked that …...
Reproval: Give suggestions and hints for improvement.
Praise: Positively summing up.

Framework for a Feedback of Respect
Giving feedback: I-messages / short and immediately / precisely and specifically / no interpretation / → give proposals for solution
Taking feedback: Give thanks / do not defend yourself / do not exculpate yourself / inquire if need be / → feel precious

5. Language traps
These are words and terms, which have effects.

Assumptions are speculations which we create in our heads and we do this quite busily, for the greatest part of our communication takes place due to assumptions. However, assumptions bear a great potential of conflict, therefore we should always give the entire information and not leave out parts of it.
Presuppositions foster or inhibit the things that were said, therefore use them carefully: if/then, either/or, not yet, actually, time specifications and so on. The terms “can” and “try” have explosive effects, though. Examples: "Can you please pick up the pencil?” aims at the capability, therefore rather use: “Please pick up the pencil.” “Please try to be on schedule next time” gets stuck in the attempt, therefore: “Please be on schedule next time” is better.
Doctrines are sentences which we are convinced of, they have no bearing on reality. Therefore we should always check their necessity and tidy out, for negative doctrines like: “I'll never make it”, “I'm silly” inhibit. Rather use positive doctrines as aid like, for example: “we will make it”, “united we stand strong”.
Resonance is most underestimated and it means that we get what we sent out. Our thinking and our feelings fall into this category.
Projection means that we throw (project) something onto others which we have within ourselves and pretend that the other person has it – this is a distraction. Example: Let's assume that we are not reliable and we try to blame others for it, because we do not want to see it in ourselves.
Sensitive words should be used with care in order to not trigger an unwanted reaction:


I
If it is not used, there will be distortions. It indicates responsibility for the things said. It shows a clear distinction about who is meant. By it a clear statement is made about who wants something or rather who backs whom.
YOU at the beginning of a sentence it often has the effect of an accusation. Misunderstandings are possible when the responsibility is handed over. Rather fit in “I” in order to avoid devaluation. For example “I believe that you....”.
They / It / One/ We can result in confusion, false assumptions and leads into the pitfall of lamentation, when it is not known who is meant explicitly. It is possible that the responsibility is handed over.
BUT / ADMITTEDLY results in the devaluation of the things said before.
YES / NO A clear statement  is needed for acting reliably.
SUBJUNCTIVE The use of subjunctive verbs (for example: should, could, would) is a mandatory order in women's language and non-binding in men's language.

  
6. Positions of Perception
How we collect information from our surroundings is called perception. We perceive our environment with our senses and see, hear, smell and feel something. What is new now is “knowing”, that means we are in a situation and simply know what is happening and what we have to do without seeing it and so on. The position of perception tells us from which emotional position we automatically gather the information and when it is recommendable to change it.

associated (inside a situation) <----------------> dissociated (outside a situation)


Associated human beings are emotional, open and straightforward and they are team players. They experience intensively, can visualize their goal well and can empathize with other people as they feel they are in the heat of things. This is beneficial for personal conversations with others. In situations that are emotionally challenging, in case of problems of maintaining boundaries or in order to get a general idea it is recommendable to change the dissociated position so that we can handle it better and we can withdraw from the situation (which means that we take a step back and regard the situation from afar).
Dissociated human beings feel less and thus appear reserved and clinical and they are observers. People who are dissociated by nature should change to the associated position as to the topic in order to get an idea of how it is to be in this situation and they should not only look at it from outside. Those who are good at dissociating, can handle extreme situations in a better way and find solutions and they do not let themselves be dragged down by difficulties.

7. Change of Perspective
Perspectives are the possibilities that we have with our topics. We habitually fall back into our old thought pattern and for the most part only one possibility to solve our topics is available to us. A change of our perspective brings us a multitude of points of view and we thus learn to better understand others.

View your topic for example from the following perspectives:

  • From your partner's or neighbor's point of view

  • From a senior citizen's or a job seeker's point of view

  • From the point of view of people from industrialized and non-industrialized countries

  • From your point of view being 10 years older or younger

  • From your best friend's point of view........


Only when we have understood the perspective of our dialogue partner, can we look into the same direction and not past each other and we do not only pursue our own advantage.

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